Do we really Heal?

 

Do we really Heal?

Heal! Time Heals everything, you shall heal… and these proverbs go on, but do we really heal? We are fools to believe that we are healing and that our heart would start to breathe again like a small child. A scientific study shows that heart actually aches when we are hurt. We believe that we have the best regenerative powers that would over write our brain and heart with new memories and slowly the old ones would fade away like a floppy disk. Does it work that way?

Being in the field of new life and birth we come across multiple stories where in the counselling sessions are filled with tears and joy for both patient and us. Sometimes we feel like that the walls of Vani IVF, has more in its diary than our hearts. One such story is about Mr. and Mrs. Fernandes. There was something in their story that took us to back to beer shacks in Goa. I would never forget that afternoon when they came in for the counselling session. With every minute they spoke about their life and medical history it made me a part of their life more & more. 

They owned their life… Peter and Jenny owned a café in the same line as Curlies in Anjuna. They had one of friendliest and homey shacks in the lane. Jenny was in-charge of the drinks, as it was her passion. She used to make the best of the cocktails for the guest & people used to come there just to have Jenny’s special Dragon Cranberry. Peter would attend the guest and he had the best of the stories to share. He was the magnet that kept the guest stay in the shacks for hours together. He was a people’s person. Apart from Jenny and Peter, the biggest magnet was their son- Joy. Joy an eleven-year-old kid and the best drummer around. Their life was perfect. Joy would go to the school in the morning and evenings were filled with dreamy life of Peter-Jenny-Joy. Guest used to love every second passed at their shack. “Nazar is real” people say. But nothing ever touched their bubble of good life as they also believed that family that prays together stays together. It was their routine to pray before closing the shack and thank God for having a good life. 

Joy, loved to surf. Some days in the evening when the drumming sessions were cancelled, he would run with a surf board towards the raising sea. Jenny used to worry a lot, she would always have an eye on him, even while making drinks for the guest. She would never be at rest. Peter and Jenny would be extra careful for Joy, as when he was young, he was saved by seconds from getting drowned in the sea. Despite of saying no, Joy would sometimes sneak out at night to surf on a full moon night. He was an amazing soul and he was known for a birth mark on his right ankle. People used to call him “God’s Child” due to that birth mark. One evening, they had kept the shack closed as Jenny was not well. It was a full moon’s night. Peter asked Jenny to rest for the evening and he and Joy prepared Fish Curry and Rice for dinner. They prayed for her better health. Jenny knew that Joy wanted to go for a surf. But due to high tide she insisted Peter to keep an eye on Joy, so that he would not sneak out again. Jenny dozed off watching Friends, and Peter got engrossed in his writing with a tinge of Whiskey. It was midnight and Peter got up to check on Joy and to make things ready for the next day. He turned on the lights in Joy’s room, he could not find Joy in his room. He smiled and thought to himself that he must have gone to surf. Just to be sure he went to the sea to check on Joy. He could not find him; he could not find him anywhere. He searched till sun rise and he could not find him. He went home, Jenny was still asleep due to medications. He woke Jenny up with tears in his eyes. Jenny paused; her eyes went numb immediately. She knew something was not right, something was not right with Joy. He said “Joy is missing.” She felt as if everything stopped. She suddenly felt that she was cornered in the room so dark that had no exit. She ran towards the sea where she found ambulance and shore guards searching for Joy. She sat at their shack that entire evening in a hope that Joy would come home running like every day. 

That day evening around 9:00 P.M, Jenny was sitting at her shack staring at the sea, her hands held tight and was praying for her son to return. When she opened her tear-filled eyes, her blurry vision could see a man coming out of the sea. She could only see silhouette of some man carrying something, or rather someone. As they approached the image got clearer. She could see clearly; she could see the face of Joy covered with sand. She was so happy to see him that she jumped from the chair and thanked God that He heard her prayers. She ran towards Joy, hugged him tightly and cleared the sand from his face. She hugged him again and kept on calling his name so that he could get his consciousness back. Peter was standing beside Jenny with tears in his eyes. He saw the look on the face of that policeman who had found Joy. “Peter look, our Joy is back. Get a glass of water to sprinkle on his face.” She held his hand to make sure that his pulses were fine. Peter saw her struggle find Joy’s pulses. She could not find his pulse, she froze. She panicked; her happy soul turned to lost soul instantly. Peter touched her shoulder and that was the moment she sunk in; she started crying, she lost herself.  Of course, It was difficult for her to accept the fact that Joy was no more, her Joy- little angel, her little surfer was no more. Jenny looked at Peter and he sat down with her. Policeman narrated the incident about Joy’s Death. It was full moon’s night, and the time of death was noted as 2:15 AM, year was 2020. That night, Jenny did not have the courage to go home, even after rituals she waited at the shack waiting for Joy to come back.

Does time will ever heal this? Or we just learn to live with pain?

© Vani IVF Centre

Peter now had to be strong and give strength to Jenny as well. After this incident she would go in the evening for a walk near the sea, with a mere hope of finding Joy again and to find peace again. Jenny gave up working at the shack as she was not able to take her eyes off the shore looking for Joy to come running to her shouting “mummaaa.” 

Somehow, one day one of the relatives of Jenny came to the shack to meet her. They talked to Jenny for hours and tried to cheer her up, but nothing worked. Jenny’s mom Caroline, was also there. Caroline took Jenny home away from the crowd and told her ‘Beta, you need to plan for your second kid, may be God will send our Joy back this way, may be his soul will be back.”  A tear rolled down, Jenny could not make herself plan for a second child, she always carried Joy’s t-shirt with her, his smell gave her the feeling of being close to him. She held the t-shirt and hugged it tightly, trying to make the decision. She said, “it is difficult to even think about planning second child, after Joy left us, me and Peter have become so aloof that evenings are mostly spent in silence with tea mugs and books. I sometimes feel there is no love left, or may be Joy took Jenny and Peter along with him. I am not sure if we are okay mentally, and thinking of physical health, my age would not permit to have a normal conception now.” Caroline could sense the pain in her words. She said “you two should stop blaming yourself for whatever has happened. Always remember that God has bigger and greater plans for us.” Jenny sighed. She was not able to explain that it is hard for her to believe in God at the moment.

                        “There is some super power, there is divine, there is a force above all, But, where?

We humans are complex and selfish to the core.

                        We demand proof of love from our loved ones, and proof from the God almighty too.

                                       Why is our faith so naïve that smallest of the discomfort in our lives makes us

doubt in the very force that made us”

Jenny woke up the next morning and she prayed to God with all her heart and faith. She was looking for the answers. While praying she had her mother’s word running in her mind. “What if God really wants us to plan so that Joy could come back to us” and that’s it. That was the call she made that morning, she wanted to plan again, she wanted her Joy to come back, she wanted her Peter to be alive again, she wanted her family back. She ran to Peter and informed him about the prayer and her decision, Peter was reluctant, he was not sure about this. He said “Jenny, I am not sure if I am eligible to become a father, I am not sure if I will be able to take care of our child. After Joy left us, I am feeling empty within and every night I cry to myself, I blame myself of not checking on him a little early…It was my fault Jenny, it was my fault.” Crying he hugged Jenny and she held him like a small child. She was more confident on her decision now; she understood that Peter was in need of Joy more than her. She sat there holding him on the sofa in the balcony for hours together waiting for him to fall asleep. His tiered eyes closed and that’s when Jenny also fell asleep. It was a Sunday Morning breezy day, and that was the best sleep they had after Joy left. Monday morning was a big day, they came to Vani Centre, for their fertility tests. Dr. Patel sensed that Jenny wanted to talk something in person. She asked the staff to give some privacy, and she narrated her entire story of Joy and her life and why she was planning for a second child. Dr. Patel was moved she could not utter another word, she just held Jenny’s hand and said that we are in this together, “Let’s start this miraculous journey.” Jenny and Peter were counselled about the process and consent papers were signed. They were given a complete walk through of the process and this is the beauty of a registered centre- - full transparency of the process, that is the key with which Vani IVF Centre works. The stimulation process and egg collection process completed in 20 days and a month’s rest was given to them so that they could get ready for the embryo transfer and the journey of 9 months. In the month of December 2020, embryo transfer was planned, this was Jenny’s wish as she had conceived Joy in the month of December. She tried to match everything and every small detail with a hope that Joy’s soul would be looking for them and would return back home.

                        Sometimes we understand that our beliefs are myths and above the understanding of Science and Logic, but our entire lives are simply based on Faith – Hope – Love which are above Science and Logic, isn’t?

            December 2020, Embryo Transfer process was done. Looking scientifically based on the progesterone and estrogen levels Dr. Patel and team was sure that this will be a successful cycle in the first go. Post transfer they had to wait for 15 days, these 15 days were filled with anxiety, hope, lots of insecurities and thoughts. Thoughts kept running Jenny and Peter’s mind, thoughts like not getting the result, like what would be to be pregnant after Joy, will they bring joy again to that child, will they be able to love the child the same way, will they ever be able to forget and forgive themselves. 15 days passed and the day came. Jenny did not have the courage to do the pregnancy test at home. They came all the way to the centre and met Dr. Patel for the blood test to confirm the pregnancy result. Β-hCG was done, Vani Centre has a tradition of ringing the bell whenever the result comes out to be positive. 20 min later, Dr. Patel could hear a scream from the reception area. She ran out to see, Jenny came running towards Dr. Patel and hugged her. It came positive, she was shivering, she was in tears, she was cold, she was happy. She hugged Dr. Patel and thanked her with so much grace. She was looking for Peter, he was no were to find. She ran outside at the parking place; he was not there. She went to the dinning area, she saw him and stood there shocked. He was sitting at the dining area, eyes closed and praying. Jenny realized today that how much this meant to Peter. Jenny hugged Peter from back and whispered in her ears that “God, said Yes.” Peter could not control and tear rolled down his eyes.

Happiness!!

Nine months passed like magic, Jenny and Peter could not believe that they were already in the journey towards happiness. They could not wait to feel their child again, feel that happiness again. Caroline visited Jenny and stayed with her for the last months of pregnancy to help her with the daily chores. They always felt that they had a connection with Dr. Patel and Jenny insisted that she wanted Dr. Patel to do the delivery as well. Their due date was in the month of August. The date was not fixed but Dr. Patel had asked them to come and stay at the hospital from mid-august itself, to eliminate the scope of any emergencies in last days. Due to age, she was any way considered as high- risk. 20^th August 2021, she was admitted to the hospital, and 22^nd August midnight she underwent LSCS. She delivered a beautiful baby girl and birth time was noted as 12:00 AM 22^nd August 2021, and it was a full moon’s night.

God always has better plans! Magic happens to those who wait, and for Jenny and Peter God said Amen.

Peter, was shivering when baby Jenny was first handed over to him. He could not stop shivering, he thought that he got his world back and they he was alive. Post delivery, Peter took the baby with Jenny and asked her what she would like to name her. Jenny had prayed so much to God, and she knew that God will give her Joy back. She lifted the cloth from baby’s ankle, and there it was the proof of God, and proof of Magic, baby Jenny had the same birth mark that Joy had on the right ankle. Peter was shocked to see that, and Jenny said “Will name her…” Peter interrupted “Joy” both smiled.

 

Somethings in life are not in our control, but what we have in our control is to keep faith, hope and love alive within us.

                                                                                            Signing off from the diary of Vani IVF Centre

[Narrated by Dr. Kamini Patel and Penned by Vani Patel || Photo Credits and rights reserved with Vani IVF Centre]